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Yes I’m fat, and it’s Okay not be okay with it

You go home, look in the mirror and you cry. Then, you think you are ugly and fat. And, you want to die. In fact, the worst thing is the next day, it happens all over again until the day you give up.

Yes I’m fat. I admit it. I’ve been struggling with my weight for the past few years. It’s been a roller coaster ride.

I have done everything under the sun. Then, I tried different types of diet that could easily lose those few pounds.

But, all them failed. The stress around me makes me eat a lot more and be active less. The memories popping up from my social media makes me wonder why this happened to me.

Looking through those pictures, I felt sick and disgusted about myself. In addition, most to the people that see me verbally confirm what I already know. That, I am fat. I have developed humor that serves as my shield whenever I hear those comments.

Oftentimes, it still gets to me. I don’t have discipline over my body. It seems that I don’t have control over what is happening to me physically.

Sometimes you feel amazing about life and other times you just feel fat and depresses. So, I think it’s good, to be honest about that and to make light of it.

Yes I’m fat, sometimes I don’t feel Okay

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I think humor is important nobody’s perfect. Even I know what to do, I still end up questioning my self.

Being fat is restricting me physically. I could not wear the dress/ clothes that I want. It is hard for me to find a jeans that could fit me without ripping it apart.

But, most of all being fat is restricting the creative person I am inside. As a health provider, I am questioned why I look like this.

Why was my BMI not in the normal range? Even though I know what will happen to me I still continue binging and telling myself that everything will be okay.

No matter the situation is. I am surrounded by people that I know loves me. My only consolation is I don’t have any serious illness as of the moment.

I don’t have any vices except for food. That, food to me became so addictive. Of course, I know what I am getting myself into.

Self-control is really just my problem. Food also keeps me sane. I don’t know if it’s a symptom of a more dreadful stressor.

As a matter of fact, getting fat gives me an excuse to not face my real problems. All of my thoughts are directed towards not getting fat instead of the things that really matter.

I can’t look at myself in the mirror. And, I am disgusted when I see all those stretch marks on my thighs and arms.

It reminds me of how incompetent I am as a person.  I can’t control even simple things. How can I control the things that are beyond my control?

Although this is a temporary feeling it still makes me depress most of time. I do understand that self-love is more than your weight and your problem.

I need to develop how to love myself more in the process.

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